John Gottman divides marital conflict into solvable problems and perpetual problems. Perpetual problems will probably be with a couple in one way or another for the rest of their lives. Principle 5 specifically, deals with solvable problems, whereas Principle #6 will deal with overcoming gridlock, the perpetual issue. If you are going to be successful […]
2 Kinds of Marital Conflict
Let’s explore the 2 kinds of marital conflict that exist before going on to principles 5 and 6. Here, Gottman differentiates between two kinds of marital conflict. “We have found that all marital conflicts, ranging from mundane annoyances to all-out wars, really fall into one of two categories: either they can be resolved, or they […]
Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You
Let’s continue with Principle 4: Partner Influence. Studies show that “the happiest, most stable marriages, in the long run, were those in which the husband did not resist sharing power and decision-making with the wife. When the couples disagreed, these husbands actively searched for common ground rather than insisting on getting their way.” (pp.116/7) While […]
Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
The point Gottman is stressing in Principle 3 is that couples who engage in lots of what might be called small, humdrum actions of connection, tend to remain happy. Actions as simple as chatting during lunch or watching the news together count. Real-life romance “is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he […]
Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
Today we focus on John Gottman’s Principle 2 in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Knowing and understanding your partner is important, but happily married couples go farther; they SHOW their fondness and admiration. None of us is perfect, but energy really does follow attention. You can focus on the negative qualities or idiosyncrasies […]
Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps
Last week I outlined the 6 indicators in a relationship leading toward divorce from John Gottman’s book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. This week, let’s explore Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps. They are: a harsh start up to a discussion what he calls the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse – criticism, contempt, […]
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