How to Talk with Anyone about Anything
By Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt
Introduction
For the next few weeks, I will work through their new book: How to Talk with Anyone about Anything. For years, they and the 3000 Imago therapists they have trained around the world, have been using the Safe Conversation Dialogue in the office to help couples have more successful relationships.
Now, they say, “we want to expand that work by teaching Safe Conversations Dialogue to a wider audience with the goal of connecting individuals, groups, and organizations across society and around the world. Yes, we are so enthusiastic about our methods that we have targeted the whole of humanity.” (p.xix)
The Safe Conversations Dialogue
Historically, the Safe Conversations Dialogue began in Helen’s living room in 1977.
“One day, we were having an intense conversation that became heated. During the fight, Helen shouted, “Stop!” She then suggested, “Let’s take turns. One of us talks, and the other listens.” Since this calmed us down, noticeably, it seemed like a good idea. …
The calm we felt was instructive. From the first time we tried this approach, we noticed that our emotions took a back seat to our intellects. This is a phenomenon called ‘regulating’ in psychology. Self-regulating, or controlling your feelings in conversations, is generally deemed to be a good thing, even a sign of maturity.” (p.xx)
Differences: From Judgment to Curiosity
It was a shift from judgment to curiosity. “Then we made two important discoveries: First, the problem behind tension and conflict is that everyone seems to ‘object to difference’. … Second, the tension and conflict caused by our objection to differences produces polarization and disconnection.” (p.xxi)
Let me simplify some pretty complex ideas the authors are introducing here that they will be explicated in later chapters. Hopefully, I am doing them justice.
Differences
Differences are the defining feature of nature. There is no ‘sameness’ in the universe, only similarity.
Objection to Difference
Many (most, all?) problems are created by “objection to difference”. Partners in an unconscious relationship, for example, tend to expect their partner to be, behave, think like they do. But we see the “objection to difference” on a much wider scale do we not? black, white; male, female; left, right; abortion, climate change, and immigration are some examples.
Be the Best
As a culture, we are encouraged to “be the best” – in school, sports, etc. which obviously is not all bad. But – in our drive to ”be the best” – we can become assertive in expressing our thoughts and opinions expecting others to think like us and agree with us.
One-Sided Communication
The communication from proponents of 2 and 3 tends be one-sided – as if only their views have merit. When we speak in monologues, we tend to trigger disagreement and conflict rather than agreement and cooperation because we speak as though only our views are true. We are not open to other ideas or opinions.
Basic Human Needs Fulfilled
We all want to be seen, heard, and valued. These are basic human needs. Those needs are fulfilled when people communicate in a dialogue that features an exchange of views rather than a one-sided monologue. By communicating only through monologues, you may survive, but you cannot thrive – and neither can humanity.
Dialogue
The absence of dialogue results in the conflict and polarization we are experiencing in our culture and around the world today.
Safe conversations
Our Safe Conversations Dialogue addresses the current phenomenon of personal and systemic polarization by offering a new way to talk without criticism, to listen without judgment, and to connect beyond our differences. This type of communication allows everyone to be seen, heard, and valued, fulfilling those needs we all share.
A Choice to Make
We have a choice: to polarize around difference or to use the tension of difference to generate enormous creativity.
The Safe Conversation Dialogue has proven to be life-changing in the office for thousands of couples over the last 40 years. With this book, they are making their approach, which has been so successful in the office, available to a larger audience by offering guidance on how to improve relationships in all areas of your life. “This skill will help you create safety so you can connect and have conversations without feeling like you are lighting a fuse. We will provide ways to feel safe even during serious disagreements.” (p.xxii)
The Introduction Conclusion
The Safe Conversation Dialogue has the potential to transform a culture
“focused on individual achievement with one that focuses on relationship and encourages collaboration, cooperation, and interdependency. When we can work and live together despite our differences, we will be on a path to a new relational civilization that values universal freedom, full equality for everyone, the celebration of difference, and total inclusiveness.
Our goal is to create a better world where we shift from conflict to connection, from winning to creating win-wins – a world where we put relationships first. We want to usher in a new global relational civilization, and we invite you to embrace SC Dialogue and share it with others.” (p.xxvi)
A pretty comprehensive goal would you not agree? Next week Chapter 1 The Problem.
