This week, we delve into The Safe Conversation Process in relationships. For the last few weeks I have been focusing on the qualities that make for a great relationship. The importance of safety, of removing all negativity from the Space-Between and of refilling the Space-Between with positives. The last piece
of the puzzle is learning to talk to each other in a safe way.
In the Imago system, we use the 3 part Safe Conversation Process, which consists of
- Mirroring
- Validation
- Empathy
It is the structure of the Safe Conversation Process that ensures safety happens. When safety happens, connection can happen.
As Harville and Helen state In Doing Imago Relationship Therapy in the Space-Between:
“Given its power to transform the personal and the collective, The Safe Conversation Process (Imago Dialogue) is the most important skill set a couple can possess. It is the language of conscious partnerships.” (Hendrix and Hunt 2021, p.194)
Mirroring
Mirroring is a reflective process that assures my partner that I have heard her perception and experience of the situation. Before I can respond, I need to mirror back what I have heard, to her satisfaction; it is a flat mirror, no additions, no subtractions – this is what I heard you say. Did I get it?
Yesterday I was at a Tim Horton’s drive-thru. I ordered a small black coffee for me and a medium decaf with milk for my wife. Immediately, the person inside repeated back to me: “Was that a small black and a medium decaf with milk?” A perfect mirror! The employees have been taught to repeat back to the customer what they have heard, in order to cut down on wastage from mistakes because they cannot see the person giving the order and there might be static in the system. But isn’t there static sometimes in our communication with our partner?
We might be tired, upset, or focused on something else. The mirroring process makes sure we hear our partner accurately. If Tim Horton’s employees can use it, surely we can use it, especially when there is a charge on an issue. It is a useful tool to have in one’s relational toolbox.
A caution – when you are the sender, you must send responsibly. It’s your responsibility to send your message in a way the receiver can receive it calmly.
Sender Responsibility
- Use “I” language: I feel, I think, I need, I want.
- Send your message with a kind and respectful tone of voice.
- Be succinct. You will flood your partner using too many words and they won’t be able to hear or mirror you.
- When you send your message, have a kind look in your eye.
- No shame, blame or criticism – EVER!
And the receiver has responsibilities too.
Receiver Responsibility
- Mirror back accurately.
- Ask – Is there more about that? This gives the sender a chance to nuance their thinking and shifts you, the receiver, from judgment to curiosity.
- Being curious happens when you move beyond thinking you know everything about your partner, and instead are open to learning something new about them.
Validation
Validation simply means that you recognize and accept that the other person has also had an experience. While his or her point of view, while it may be different from yours, it has equal validity. “It makes sense that is what you would say or that is how you see it!” Remember that others are not you. Go back to our Tim
Horton’s example. If I ask for a small black coffee, the person on the inside doesn’t say, “Don’t you want a large double?” because that is what they like. No, he or she just repeats back the order to make sure they heard it correctly. There is no judgment!
Again, quoting from Doing Imago Relationship Therapy in the Space-Between:
“The experience of validation reverses the messages we received from our childhood caretakers and others, who, wittingly or not, left us with the impression that we were wrong to feel what we felt or to want what we want or think what we think.” (Hendrix and Hunt 2021, p.211)
Empathy
Empathy is the communication to another person that you hear and understand his or her feelings and that they make sense. “Given that (what your partner has just told you about) I can imagine you might be feeling (use a word or two to describe what they might be feeling). Then check it out: “Is that what you’re feeling?” I might say, “You seem angry”, but my partner might reply, “No, I wasn’t really angry, but I was sad, or disappointed, or hurt”.
And then it is my partner’s turn. It is a dialogue so I need to mirror and validate and empathize with my partner. And back and forth it goes. Working closely with couples for over three decades has shown that if I can keep couples in the Safe Conversation Process, they will sort things out.
What I like about it also, is that it is not like a cookie cutter. What might work for one couple might not work for my wife and me, but if we keep talking we will figure out what will work for us!
The last quality of a successful relationship then is the essential skill you need to master – the Safe Conversation Process. You must learn how to talk with your partner in a safe way. Talking is the main way you will communicate and there will always be stuff to talk about; the key is to stop your old brain, your reptilian brain, from reacting. If your old brain senses danger it will react, using the fight, flight, or freeze responses. In a conscious relationship you need to respond, not react; and the structure of the Safe Conversation process ensures safety. It is a way of talking without criticizing; listening without judging; and connecting through your differences.
