Helen, who is writing this chapter, begins with: “The brain can be divided into two parts: the lower brain, which we call the Crocodile; and the higher brain, which we call the Owl.” (p.100)
Years ago, in my book Dream Relationship, I began with a similar concept:
“Safety: the key to a great relationship.
The Intellectual Part of Your Brain
Why safety? Because safety is built into our DNA – our survival. If you are reading this book right now, you are using the rational, cerebral, intellectual part of your brain, but our brain is much more complex. Our knowledge of exactly how the different parts of the brain interact and how they develop is constantly expanding; however, the consensus of opinion among most experts is that our brain stem or old brain is similar to the brain stem of most, if not all mammals, birds, fish and reptiles.
Its primary function is to keep us alive and it has done that for five hundred million years. So while you are reading this page your brain stem is constantly scanning the environment for danger. You generally are not aware of this phenomenon; it is unconscious, but you are on alert 24/7 and if the brain senses danger, it will defend itself.” (pp.7/8)
The crocodile and owl parts of our brain
The point Helen and I are stressing is that we, the owners of both the crocodile and owl parts of our brains, have a choice about which one controls the ship. “You have the power to choose which part of your brain to use when interacting with and responding to your partner.” (p.104)
The Reactive part of Your Brain
The problem is that the reactive part of your brain, the crocodile, doesn’t stop to think, it reacts. If you touch a hot stove, you don’t stop to think, this is not good; no, you instinctively pull your hand away. I would characterize most relationships, certainly, ours before we started doing this work, as unconscious, old brain, and reactive. If my partner came on too strong, my reactive response was to shut down. What I am trying to help couples do in the office is become more conscious, use their new brain, the owl, and become more intentional.
Half of what I do in the office, I tell my folks, is to help them become more conscious, more aware. If they can step back and take a look at what they are doing, and if it is counter-productive, they can choose to do things differently. But they have to be aware and recognize they have a choice; their brain has a mind of its own. I use myself as an example. If my partner came on to strong, in those first fifteen years of our relationship, I would shut down. When I stepped back and looked at that, it was pretty counter-productive, but I did it for a long time. Knowing your brain has a mind of its own, you can consciously choose which part of your brain is in the driver’s seat, the owl or the crocodile.
Other Great Voices
Many others, down through the ages, have said similar things. Alfred Adler: “It is not what you possess but how you use it.” Victor Frankl in Man’s Search for Meaning “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. When we are no longer able to change a situation; we are challenged to change ourselves.” Nelson Mandela, who after 27 ½ years in jail, chose to forgive the folks who put him there. And I am sure you could quote others who have given us similar messages.
Helen concludes:
“We can’t control others (no matter how much we’d like to at times). The only thing we have control over is ourselves – our thoughts, responses, actions, and reactions. Understanding this keeps us focused on what we CAN change: ourselves. And stops us from focusing on what we can’t change: our partner. Learning how to choose between the Owl and Crocodile is a key part of taking this personal responsibility. Expect a transformation!” (p.108)
“And remember: You have the power to rewire your brain. Building a Partnership Marriage actually changes your brain chemistry, creating new neural pathways to support the work you’re doing.” (p.110)
Next week Harville explores – Your Marriage is a Laughing Matter.
